6 Questions That Will Show You If Your Core Values Are Really Yours

You’re out with friends on a Friday night. They’re excited about a noisy bar; you’re craving a quiet dinner where you can actually talk.

You smile and say, ‘Whatever you want is fine,’ even though it isn’t.

Later, you wonder why your life feels so draining.

What if the pressure you feel isn’t because you’re doing life wrong—but because you’re living by a script that was handed to you, not written by you?

Somewhere along the way, you inherited ideas about what should matter most—success, stability, being “the good or perfect  one.” But what if those aren’t actually yours?

In this post, you’ll learn how to question the values you’ve been carrying and uncover which ones reflect your truth—so you can begin living with more intention—choosing what actually feels good to you instead of automatically saying yes to what others expect.

Your Compass or Someone Else’s?

Values are a description of what’s most important to you and how you aspire to show up in your life. They’re usually expressed in one-word statements.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, here’s the thing: our values are strongly influenced by childhood and the people who surrounded us—parents, teachers, religious leaders, community, friends. We’re not really taught to do the inner work of building our own values based on inner wisdom.

Instead, we’re conditioned to take on the values of the world around us, especially in our homes. And maybe some of them resonate to our core—and maybe others don’t. That’s what you’ll begin to figure out here.

One of the values I was taught was “patience is a virtue.” Seriously—my dad said it all the time. It drove me, my brother, and my sister crazy. We were kids; what did we know?

Now that I’m older, I still hold onto that one. It’s one of my core values. It’s a big part of who I am. I value doing the work, trusting in the powers that be to support me, and then being patient—watching life unfold and knowing I can handle whatever comes my way.

Another value I was taught—but have since let go of—was “keep the peace.” We were constantly told: “don’t argue,” “don’t talk back,” “don’t rock the boat.”

I used to say I was a ‘go with the flow’ kind of person. When a friend suggested a crowded bar on a Friday night, even though I longed for a quiet dinner where we could actually talk, I’d smile and say, ‘Whatever you want is fine.’ After years of brushing aside what I actually wanted in moments like that, I found myself drained, exhausted, and living a life that didn’t feel like mine.

What I've come to realize about myself is that I love spaces where I can have honest, meaningful one-on-one conversations about profound human truths. But for most of my life, I stayed silent because I didn’t want to “rock the boat.”

That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with valuing “keeping the peace.” It just means that for me, I now value spaces where honest, meaningful conversations can happen more than I value keeping the peace.

Owning your values means prioritizing and getting crystal clear about what matters most to you—not just what matters to those around you. That requires some inner work: questioning whether the values you’re building your life on are truly yours, or simply ones you inherited and never thought to examine.

If your days feel draining—like you’re stuck in routines that don’t light you up—it may be because you’re living by someone else’s compass.

Are These Values Really Mine?

So how do you tell the difference between inherited values and your true values? You challenge them. You ask yourself hard questions so you can make the invisible visible.

Here are some questions to consider as you evaluate your values:

1. Does this value feel alive in my body—or does it feel heavy and imposed?

2. Did I intentionally choose this, or was it handed to me?

3. What evidence do I have that this is truly mine? When I live this value, do I feel more like myself—or less?

4. Are there any facts that contradict this value that would change my mind about keeping it?

5. What biases might I have toward this value? If I don’t hold it anymore, do I risk losing my belonging in my family?

6. One last gut check: Close your eyes and imagine living this value fully for a year—does it feel energizing or suffocating?

The Relief of Choosing Your Own

This isn’t about throwing everything away. Some of what we inherited—like the patience my dad taught me—can be beautiful, helpful, and aligned. This is about sifting through and keeping what’s truly yours.

Like for me financial stability used to be a core value because I was taught that a steady paycheck was the most important thing. Which meant I spent decades in a corporate job—commuting in the dark, sitting under fluorescent lights, collecting the reliable paycheck every two weeks, even as I felt my energy slipping away.

But as I deepened my connection to my inner wisdom, I realized that freedom with my time—being able to follow my natural rhythms, to work when inspired and rest when tired—matters more to me than financial stability.

Sure, I still need income. But I’m willing to take risks to ensure I’m living in alignment with what’s most important to me.

So I left my corporate job. Honestly, I might be working harder now than I was then—but I’m enjoying myself. I can follow my rhythms. And that feels liberating instead of restricting.

See how that works?

Clarity + Alignment = Freedom.

Your Life Deserves Your Compass

Your life is too valuable to be built on someone else’s blueprint.

If you’re ready to uncover which values are truly yours—and start building your days around them—download my free guide: 5 Gentle Ways to Break Free from Autopilot. It’s filled with simple practices to help you reconnect with what matters most and begin living with more intention.