I Asked Myself One Question and Half My To-Do List Disappeared

I sat at my desk, staring at my to-do list. Coffee cooled beside me, the house quiet after years of chaos. I held my pen over the page, about to add three more things, when something stopped me.

You see, my family had been living in survival mode for years.

My father-in-law died.

My stepdaughter's mom passed away, and she moved in with us.

My husband's company restructured, and he was laid off.

Oh, and we had a toddler running around the house while I was trying desperately to keep up with my full-time job.

Crisis mode had become normal in our house—takeout containers stacked on the counter, house cleaners, doggie playdates, and grocery deliveries scheduled —and we were all just trying to get through the day.

During those seasons, putting others' needs first made sense. It was necessary. Sure, I took time for myself, but only enough to survive.

As I stared at my to-do list, I realized something that made my eyes well up right there at my desk: the crisis had passed, life had settled into new rhythms, and I could let go of survival mode.

But I realized it wasn't just about crisis mode. I'd become the person others depended - and I'd lost track of who I was underneath all that responsibility.

When Did This Stuff Become My Responsibility?

Have you ever looked at your to-do list and wondered, “How did I get here?”

Yeah, me too.

Maybe it started small:

• Your teenager felt overwhelmed with a college application deadline, so you helped organize their timeline.

• A family decision needed to be made about switching schools, so you became the one researching options and comparing programs

• Your elderly parent mentioned they felt confused about their new insurance plan, so you spent hours on the phone with customer service sorting it out.

You end up managing others' major life decisions while your priorities get pushed to the bottom of the list.

Sometimes stepping up makes sense. Someone needs to take the lead. I get that.

But here's what I didn't see coming: I'd gotten used to being the person who handled the big stuff and forgot to ask whether each task was mine to handle.

I kept taking on things that weren't my responsibility.

I'd become the family operations manager and forgot some of these things could be handled by other people.

I specifically remember going to a therapist and saying, "I'm here because I don't want to be the responsible one anymore."

This Feeling Is Real (And So Common)

If you're reading this and thinking, "Oh my God, that's exactly how I feel," let me tell you something: you're not selfish, your dreams matter too.

Maybe you've been through your own season of crisis—job loss, illness, family drama, or the general chaos of modern life. Maybe you stepped up because someone had to. Maybe you slid into the role of family project manager without realizing it was happening. Maybe you've stepped up so much and for so long that you can't remember when you made a choice based on what YOU wanted instead of what others needed.

That exhaustion you feel, that sense that you're drowning while others around you seem to need more from you.

It's real. And you're not the only one experiencing it.

Take a Moment to Reflect on Your To-Do List

Here's what I want you to know: it's okay to step back from being the life coordinator for everyone.

It's okay to look at your daily routine and ask, "Wait—who decided this was my job?"

It's okay to wonder why you're researching solutions for other people's challenges while that book you wanted to write, the painting you wanted to create, or that career change you've been considering remain in holding patterns.

It's okay to want some of your mental, physical, and emotional energy back for yourself.

Waiting for someone else's permission isn't necessary.

You can step back and reflect on what is yours to manage.

The One Question That Changes Everything

That morning at my desk, I started asking myself one simple question that shifted how I looked at my to-do list—and my whole life.

Before taking on any task, I now ask: "Am I making a conscious choice to do this, or am I just doing what I think I'm supposed to do?"

That's it. Simple, but powerful.

When I looked at my to-do list through that lens, things shifted.

• I realized my stepdaughter and my husband were capable of managing the rest of her college decision and move-in process. I was doing it because I'd been the initial planner for the college application and audition process.

• I realized planning and cooking meals based on what a toddler and a teenager wanted was trying to please both instead of asking what would work for our whole family—including me.

• I realized creating a detailed project timeline for my team was doing my leader's job instead of letting them take ownership or deal with the consequences.

Half my list disappeared when I got honest about what I was choosing versus doing it because I always had or because I thought I was supposed to.

You Can Start Making Different Choices

I'm not saying you should abandon all responsibilities or stop caring about the people you love.

I'm saying you can start questioning what's yours to handle.

You're not alone in feeling like your to-do list belongs to others. But it's deeper than tasks - it's about reclaiming who you are underneath all those responsibilities. You can give yourself the space to question whose voice is driving your daily decisions and start remembering what makes you feel happy instead of drained. And with one simple question, you can start sorting out what's yours versus everyone else’s.

Your to-do list can feel like it belongs to you again. It's the small shifts that can make a big difference in how you spend your days and where you focus your energy.

Ready to reclaim your days? You don't have to keep living with a to-do list that belongs to everyone else. Download my free 5 Gentle Ways to Break Free from Autopilot, and learn how to start making choices that feel like yours.