The Sneaky Way You Lose Yourself—And How to Come Back

Do you want to feel happier in your everyday life? Yeah, me too.

Here’s the question we all have to ask ourselves:
Am I living a life I created that truly makes ME happy, or did I just create a life that everyone said would make me happy?

Suggestions start early, from our parents, siblings, bosses, teachers, and nowadays from the internet, social media, and advertisers about what will make us happy. Many times, everyone has a different opinion.

There are the subtle hints, and sometimes not-so-subtle requirements, about all the things you should do or say or be to be “happy.”

• The right job title.

• Meal prep Sundays.

• A clean house, a toned body, a morning routine that starts at 5 a.m.

You’ve checked all the boxes.

The question is…Are you truly, deep down in your bones, happy?

Because maybe you’re doing everything you were told would make you feel good, but you still wake up tired. You still lose your spark sometime around lunch. You still have a quiet ache inside that says, Is this it?

If everything looks good on paper but you’re disconnected from your happiness. This post will help you start to reconnect with your soul's desires and intentionally design your life from the inside out rather than from all those external sources that don’t actually know what true happiness means to you.

The Truth About Being "Externally Motivated"

In my younger days, I remember constantly saying, "I'm an externally motivated person." I'd wait for someone to give me a task or challenge me to make a move. Then I'd knock it out of the park and relish the showers of appreciation that came with producing quality work.

Like when I was a cheerleader in high school and one of the other girls nailed a tumbling pass—back handspring into a full, clean, and sharp. I remember thinking, I can do that too. So I pushed myself. Not because I had some deep desire to do that pass, but because I didn’t want to be left behind.

Or the time I was talking to my trainer and casually mentioned how exhausting it was to drive an hour to and from work every day. She looked at me and said, “Have you ever thought about selling your house?” I laughed at first. But two weeks later, there was a FOR SALE sign in my yard. I’d never even considered selling until she brought it up.

Then there was the master’s degree I pursued because a former boss told me it would “open doors.” I wasn’t dreaming about going back to school; it just seemed like the right next step. So I signed up. Because someone else thought it was a good idea.

None of those ideas were wrong, but what was the source? Did I want to do that tumbling pass, sell my house, or get a master’s degree? Maybe, but I wasn’t checking in with me.

I was doing it because others said that’s what I should do.

I now see that I was living my life through the lens of other people’s expectations. And that became a convenient excuse not to look within. Not to ask what I really wanted. Following the lead of others can feel safer. It means you don’t have to risk making a wrong choice. You can just keep moving. Stay busy. Do what looks right.

And for a while, that works. Until it doesn’t.

Until one day you realize: I’ve handed my happiness over to others.

And it’s not your fault. It starts early.

Our parents, with the best intentions, try to guide us toward a good life. Our schools reward what’s expected, not what’s truly authentic to us. We’re taught to perform, not to listen inward.

And sure, external motivation has its place. Sometimes it sparks something good. But it can’t be the foundation.

Because when you only live from the outside in, you lose the chance to discover what your soul longs for.

So let me ask: Did you spend a good part of your childhood doing what was expected of you? If, so that comes at a cost.

Are You Living Someone Else's Blueprint?

If we’re not careful, we can spend our whole lives chasing the things other people told us would make us happy. We check the boxes, earn the gold stars, and still never feel that deep inner happiness.

Imagine this.

You’re in a forest. Every tree has a ladder. At the top of each ladder is someone else’s version of what will make you happy. The big promotion. The Pinterest kitchen. The perfect holiday card photo. You pick a tree, set a goal, and start climbing.

And you keep climbing. One ladder, then the next. A thousand climbs that leave you breathless and exhausted.

Each time you reach the top, there’s a quick hit of accomplishment. A pat on the back. Maybe even a celebration. But under the surface, you know that feeling is fleeting, and none of your accomplishments gives you a true sense of lasting happiness. It’s temporary at most. You push that feeling down and keep going. On to the next ladder.

One day, you decide to stop and sit in the forest. You look up at all those ladders and think… the house, the job, the family, the achievements, "This should make me happy. Why doesn't it feel like enough?"

And then it hits you, wholly shit, this isn’t even my damn forest.

I’ve been climbing ladders in someone else’s “f-ing” forest.

I’ve been building a good life, but not one my soul would choose for me. Not one that reflects who I really am or what I care about most.

In fact, my forest isn’t even a forest. It’s a mountain range with wide open skies, winding trails, rivers that rush after the rain, and snow-covered peaks that take your breath away.

You tell yourself you should be grateful for what you have. Maybe it has been a good life. But when you build from the outside in, you can only get so far before you realize you’re not truly happy.

And here’s the truth. You can stand up. You can dust yourself off. And you can walk out of the forest.

You can move to a new landscape.

No matter what stage of life you’re in, you can begin to build a life from the inside out.

A Method to Reconnect With Your Soul's Desires

Where do you start?

Well, what if you started to tap into your innermost desires?

I've found these three questions to be incredibly helpful in my quest to discover what brings me joy in life.

1. What brings you joy?
   Not what should bring you joy. Not what brings other people joy. What actually lights you up from the inside?

2. Why do these activities bring you joy? What about that experience or situation did you love?
   Dig deeper. Was it the silence? The connection with others? The creativity? The challenge?
   Understanding the why behind your joy helps you identify patterns.

3. How can you experience that type of joy more often? Either in future decisions or in your everyday life?
   This is where the magic happens. This is where you start designing your life from within.

Here’s an example of how this might flow. My family and I love to travel, so recently I asked myself these questions:

What elements of my recent travel struck me at my core? What resonated with my true self?

For me, the moments that took my breath away were those where the silence could be felt. When I stood, walked, or drove through nature in silence, I could feel a connection to the hills, waterfalls, plants, and stars. I’m learning more and more that I must be in nature, with quiet stillness, more often.

Why did that bring me joy?

Because I love to feel a part of something bigger than myself. I love allowing the whispers that occur in the silence to direct my path. I love the clarity I feel when I step back into the “real world”.

How can I do that more often in my everyday life?

I can sit outside in my backyard for 10 minutes a day, surrounded by the trees, squirrels, and birds. Now I don’t live on some beautiful piece of land with fantastic scenery. I have a small backyard with three trees. This is me integrating more joy into my life within my current circumstances.

You can use these questions for all kinds of situations. At work, at home, in relationships—whatever.

You Have a Choice

You don't have to keep living like a pinball, bouncing from one expectation to another. You can start designing your life from within, based on what actually brings you joy rather than what you think should bring you joy.

Those three questions? They're your starting point. Use them to begin distinguishing between inherited expectations and authentic desires. Use them to reconnect with your soul's voice instead of everyone else's.

Ready to go deeper? I created a free guide called Awaken Your Inner Joy that walks you through even more questions and practices to help you reconnect with your authentic self. It's designed to help you move from living on autopilot to living with intention.
[Download it here] and start designing your life from within.